The Philippine elections have been over and done with for over a month but I have yet to force myself to write a post-mortem. Like an autopsy, my stomach is in a maelstrom everytime I force myself to think about that comical political exercise. The only good thing is that we have other characters out there who can instantly transform my vomiting and nausea attacks into loose bowel movements (the ubiquitous LBM): Philippine showbiz personalities.
I’ve switched from surfing Inquirer.net to surfing the Philippine Entertainment Portal….Not because I like the reports but because the posts and comments there are as funny and demented as my own rantings. Kris, Ruffa, Ylmaz…These are my new favorite whipping boys! WAPAKKKK!!!!!
Fortunately for me, somebody else felt the exact same way and formalized it in an e-mail which has been floating around the Net recently. I got this from a friend of mine but there is no indication as to who wrote it. If anyone out there knows the person’s name or contact details – please let me know. I need to thank and glorify him for a magnificent piece.
Here is the note (with my comments):
Winners Losers : From Kris to Ruffa to Gretchen (Desperate Housewives Philippine Edition)
Or are we reaping some sort of a negative karma to deserve them?
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The month of June is a good time to review what transpired for the first six months of 2007. For this edition, Conventional Wisdom is focusing on showbiz-related matters instead of the usual politics (which in a way is also show-biz but for ugly people). Read on.
KRIS AQUINO. Loser. While she is the innocent one in the whole James-Hope brouhaha, Conventional Wisdom thinks that she could have handled the incident with more dignity and privacy. One wonders why this drama queen wants to inflict her day-to-day saga with the whole planet. From exaggerating her “life-threatening” pregnancy, to lambasting her husband in public (“O magsalita ka? Totoo naming pina-palayas na kita sa bahay a?”), to actually using Ninoy to promote a cake in her latest commercial. Kris’ next endorsement should neither be beer nor pastries but laundry detergent for her unquenchable desire to always wash her very dirty underwear in public.
MY COMMENTS: Conventional Wisdom hit the nail right on the head. I personally believe that Kristeta has “attention-deficit disorder” – a severe mental disorder more popularly known as “KSP” (Kulang Sa Palo). For an actress who knows how to put on a face or deliver a line, she made such a fuss with that snub on James during her birthday. Gusto talagang magpapansin sa buong Pilipinas…Saying in body language this line: “Hey, look at me I’m snubbing my husband – there must be something wrong with our marriage. Please write about us in the papers…” I’ve got a message for you sister: “Nobody gives a rat’s ass! We don’t care what happens to you, your pugilist-faced husband (parang laging nababalian ng ilong) and your pointless marriage…So shut up!!!!”
JAMES YAP. Loser. One word : cad. As one writer succinctly said : “What do you expect from a provincial boy who suddenly became famous and wealthy?” The last time we witnessed a showbiz cad was during Gabby Concepcion’s time. James is now second in our list. Conventional Wisdom is giving them maximum of 3 years as a couple. Kris is starting to look more and more mature and matronic. James is still young. Give James sometime, and after Hope – - Faith and Charity will spring forth.
MY COMMENTS: To quote Jules Winfield: “…Correcto mundo…” Frankly, I would have described him using other synonymous words…Like…lout or bastard, boor, creep, heel, knave, louse, rascal, rat, rogue, scoundrel, sleazeball, slimebucket, worm….And my own personal favorite: maggot.
Moral of the story. Smoking is bad for marriage: Kris had Philip, James had Hope. Conventional Wisdom can’t take any more of this!!!
RUFFA GUTIERREZ/ANNABELLE RAMA: The mother and daughter (MAD) team strikes again. From a filmfest scam that made it to CNN, to Brunie-yuki scandal that merited a senate hearing, and now, the falling out with Ylmaz – - which is desperately being peddled out as Philippines vs. Turkey. Oppressor vs. Victim.
RUFFA GUTIERREZ. Loser. A desperate act from a has-been, middle-aged B-actress who is trying to make a come-back by capitalizing on whatever publicity that can be squeezed out from this split. From caterwauling one minute “Hindi ko na kaya Kuya Boy!”, to coyly saying the following week “Ligawan nya (Ylmaz) ulit ako” to having her born-again baptism rites captured on cam and then heading off to Las Vegas the following week to relax and do damage control (about his marriage five years ago in Las Vegas). Ruffa, you’re act is getting stale. You have become so predictable and boring.
MY COMMENTS: Conventional Wisdom is being too kind. I can still remember this so-called actress’ role in the Filmfest Scam…with her brother and Miss Mauritius Viveca Babajee shouting those classic lines: “Ruffa Gutierrez…Take it…Take it…” She should have been indicted and crucified for that scheme. Imagine being so desperate as to steal an award. I still feel that Lolit Solis was the fall guy and that Ruffa should have been put in the slammer. Pasalamat na lang siya dahil mas mukhang preso si Lolit. And now with this latest brouhaha…She is pandering to the (ignorant) masses by saying: “Ako po ang paniwalaan niyo…Ako po ang Pilipino…” Leche! I don’t give a damn even if you are the descendant of Lapu-lapu. I will not defend you just because you are Filipino with only your worthless word as evidence – like what the anti-establishment Gabriela did. In fact, don’t even mention that…Nakakahiya…Just read the posts at the Philippine Entertainment Portal, mas natutuwa pa ang mga tao na gulpihin ka…You’re damaged goods lady! Talk about karma…
ANNABELLE RAMA. Winner. For always a character that she is. For being consistent in her act and for being our constant source of amusement. Conventional Wisdom almost fell off its chair when this motor-mouth fish-wife asked Dolly Ann to return the cosmetics she gave her and then, proceeded on by actually naming two unknown women on national television to pay their debts to her since she now has to take care of Ruffa and her grandchildren: “Hoy, so and so magbayad na kayo ng utang nyo sa akin dahil marami na akong papalamunin ngayon” or something to that effect.
Panalo talaga si Bisaya. I strongly suggest to PGMA that we give this woman a postion in the government preferably as Head of our National Defense. ASAP.
MY COMMENTS: What do you expect from a palengkera, mahadera, or mata-pobre? How would try to reason with someone who admitted on public TV that her sole purpose in life is “maanakan ni Eduardo”? Who acts like a “floor manager” rather than a “talent manager” to her kids?
DOLLY ANN CARVAJAL. Winner and Loser. A lot of people don’t like this woman. For one, she is not pleasing to the eye. Her gay son looks a lot better than she. And admit it or not, she became a writer thru her connections – mom and aunt. But being objective about the whole thing, Conventional Wisdom thinks that Dolly Ann is on the right this time. Why can’t the mother and daughter (MAD) tandem just answer the questions posed by Dolly Ann? Why can’t Annabelle stick to the issues instead of pointing out something we already know: how ugly Dolly Ann is.
What makes Dolly Ann a loser is her constant use of her departed mom’s legacy and memory whenever someone would diss her out. Honey, stop hiding under the skirt of your mom. You are not a sacred cow.
MY COMMENTS: I agree. Enough said.
PIA GUANIO. Loser. What a lousy lousy interviewer. The depth of her talent as a host is as long as her irritating mini skirts. Do us a favor Pia, ask Bossing to marry you already and then fade into oblivion.
MY COMMENTS: Ibalik niyo na lang yang babaeng yan sa dati niyang role: “Traffic Angel Pia”!!!
GRETCHEN BARETTO. Loser. One word : Wow. The affectations of La Greta can only be matched by her delusions of grandeur. From the looks of it, she is experiencing the early on-set of a mid-life crisis. She has been picking fights left and right with Lani Mercado, and then with Dawn Zulueta. From her classic statement about the looks of her own daughter: “Naaawa nga ako dahil karamihan ng tao ang sabi kay Dominique, kamukha sya ng tatay nya?” And now the “friendly beso-beso” lip-lock with John Estrada. Please explain to Conventional Wisdom – - “How can this be a friendly kiss when you and John looked so orgasmic in that shot?”
Gretchen is a classic example of “langaw na nakatungtong sa kalabaw, pero feeling mataas pa sa kalabaw.” Someone should already tell this woman to seek professional help. Sober up and clean your act sister. You are no Paris Hilton. More like Plaster of Paris Hilton.
MY COMMENTS: Sana hambalusin si Gretchen ng tatlong PLDT directory ni Tony Boy para hindi humaba ang nguso…
CESAR MONTANO, RICHARD GOMEZ, MANNY PACQUIAO etc. Losers. No further explanations needed.
BORGY MANOTOC. Loser. Please. Please. From one scandal to the next. From one basag-ulo to the next. We have enough of you and your sap-sap mouth face. Will someone already put this psycho behind bars?
MY COMMENTS: Sarap sapakin talaga ng mayabang na ito…
BUTCH FRANCISCO & DOLLY ANN AS WRITERS. Losers. Please don’t waste precious newspaper space writing about personal stories that nobody (repeat, nobody!) finds interesting at all. From your maid’s antics to your experience as a judge of Slimmers World Mr. and Ms. Ek-ek, to a current love who inspires you. Please! A tree gave up its life to have these newspaper printed. Have I mentioned that nobody is interested?
BELO’S BILLBOARDS. Loser. Hideous. Plain hideous. Whoever is advising Vicky (I can’t call her Doctora Vicky because as Osang said, she was a mere aerobics instructor before) to put out all those monstrosities should be charged with Human Rights violations. From the disturbing Chrismas billboard last December, to Richard Gomez’s billboard pre-campaign period, to Ai-ai’s scary shot. Conventional Wisdom would rather stare at the billboards of Ellen’s Beauty Salon (with Ellen as the model herself) than see these Belo ads.
NORA AUNOR. Loser. To be a has-been superstar drug dependent in your fifties is bad enough. To be caught doing drugs in another country is worse. To be found-out to have married another woman many years ago for a US green-card is worst. Ate Guy is a classic example of a person blessed with so much talent and opportunity gone to waste.
REGINE VELASQUEZ & OGIE ALCASID. Losers. Regine is what….nearing 40? As someone said “from her demeanor to her utterance, Regine is trying very, very, very hard to hold on to youth.” And if I may add, failing miserably. This home-wrecker who speaks with an American sleng-sleng should act her age. Seeing her kilig-reaction about the admission of Ogie made me lose my appetite for dinner. Conventional Wisdom is really worried that anytime soon, Regine’s face and body will collapse. From her hair extension, her fake long eyelashes, her fake nose, her man-made eye slits, her tooth-caps with gums, and her Gluthathioned skin, her fake boobs. Last we heard, her movie with Piolo flopped big time. Nobody wants to see a May/December love story anymore. Or more correctly, a May 1960/ December 2007 love affair story anymore.
These are the people that are giving Conventional Wisdom constant migraine the past months. If this trend continues until December, aneurysm can’t be far behind.
Pass this on until it reaches the following: Ylmaz Bektas, Mother-in-law of Gretchen, Hope, Vic Sotto, PGMA, Michelle Van Something, Letty Magsanoc, and Gov. Vi.
